His podcast was celebrating it's centennial, 100th episode, and he decided that this was the perfect opportunity to detail his challenges over the last few years, but more importantly, his growth. I am not getting into too much detail so here are the bullet-points: He had a very conservative Mormon upbringing, the early teens brought the discovery of pornography and masturbation, because of the conservative nature of his upbringing he felt unsafe to confide in his support structure (family or temple), this began a spiral of self-loathing and disgust due to his "sinning", the spiral never stopped because he never dealt with it to which ultimately lead to an affair, this of coarse lead to a divorce, which lead him to a path of self-discovery. This path is where he is now where he has learned to love and forgive himself. This growth has been freeing and he no longer seeks pornography nor masturbation.
In the end he is happy. He has discovered his "true-self" and is living his authentic truth. This is freeing and he has taken responsibility for his actions and choices. Better still, his life has become fuller and he is more authentic, which means he enjoys even more success in all areas of his life.
- Commentary: I do not understand Mormons, I never have. I dated a Mormon in college. She was in full rebellion of the faith but her family practiced religiously. This was my first and most intimate experience with Mormons, other than "Sherlock Holmes: A Study in Scarlet." Over many more years, I met and acquainted many more. There seems, in my opinion and with all due respect, a very distinct thread that connects them all. Whether they are practicing Mormons, recovering Mormons, or just not practicing, there is just something in their behavior or in the way they hold themselves that "gives them away." I usually describe it as an "oddity," but that is unfair. It could be described as "quirky," but that is too simple. There is just something different about them, and as a Jew with our long history, I find it somewhat off-putting. Call me paranoid, but my people have a long and rocky history with religions where the figureheads "talks with g-d."
My teen years also brought the discovery of pornography. I remember my neighbor gave me a VHS and told me I could watch it while I took care of his house, as he was away for work. It was awesome. Needless to say, I quickly found my way to masturbation. I was not brought up in a conservative household. We are Jewish and our values/beliefs land us somewhere between reform and conservative Judaism, that means we were pretty liberal. My parents were both activists in the 60's and 70's, so we were brought up with a fair and lenient hand. My mother was, and still is, an active feminist. Growing up the only thing I knew about my mom's views on porn was that she believes it objectifies women, and she did not want her sons objectifying women. So I never told my parents about my porn collection or masturbation, but both were extensive.
As I got older, I did struggle with the sheer power of my urges. This lead, briefly, to questioning my inner strength, discipline and self-worth. However, by the time I was 26, I was long past anything that resembled self-loathing, and I would never describe myself as disgusting. I had quite a few girlfriends that did not understand, but it never got in the way nor became a reason to breakup. I also had girlfriends that did not care, or encouraged me, so it seems that my masturbation never really amounted to much. For me, masturbation was, and still is, a wonderful release, and pornography is a great tool to enhance the experience. I am in my forties now, and I do not hate myself, nor question my actions. Masturbation is one of the ways in which I find an "outlet" and it does not lead me toward any ill-gotten behavior.
- Commentary: The thought did cross my mind while I was writing this that I did not openly discuss masturbating over the years. I guess an argument could be made that my actions belie some possible shame. To this though, I retort that nobody talks about masturbation in our society, so I did not either. It might have been embarrassing if someone was pressing me about it in order to squeeze a laugh, but I have never been embarrassed by the act itself. Another reason I did not discuss my masturbation in much the same way I do not discuss having sex with my wife. It is just not part of my daily, weekly or monthly repertoire. I was never the guy in the locker room bragging about the girls I slept with, those guys are just fuhing scum, period.
The biggest difference between Drew and I is that I loved and accepted myself much earlier, including my masturbation. For far longer than he, I was at peace with my choice. It in no way makes me a bad person. It is not a "sin". I do not bring judgment unto myself for partaking in a "quick wank" now and again, nor do I judge anyone else.
I am married to a gorgeous woman and we have two beautiful daughters. I feel secure in my vows to my wife and our family. Drew mentions that he never thought he would engage in an affair, but that it just happened. I have never experienced a "just happened" with anyone, for anything. It takes work to build to intimacy, physical or otherwise. So I do not understand what he meant, but I am confident that I have depth enough to veer away from any potential "just happens".
So here I am, a forty-something that watches porn and masturbates periodically. I probably have a porn addiction to some degree or another, possibly like a functional alcoholic. However, my family has had some life changing lows over the last couple years, and I have not wanted to wander, nor has masturbation reach any fervor pitch. I am not so foolish as to say that porn is helping me from cheating, but as it stand right now, my masturbation is not garnering a "crack in the armor". It is not "making" me a bad person, nor "ushering" me to choose poorly.
I admit, I have never cheated on anyone. I have been cheated on a couple of times and that hurt, a changed my life kind of hurt. As I listened to Drew divulge his demon, I realized fast that I could only empathize/sympathize part of the way. I was not able to understand about half of what he was talking about. Maybe it was his delivery, the way in which he speaks, or maybe there was not enough common ground between him and I.
Regardless, this is my confession. It is the only one in all of the world and I have posted it to a blog in which almost no one reads nor do I allow posted comments. On the one hand I can say I have purged this into the 'verse, and on the other, it remains mine alone.
I conclude by saying again, Drew is brave. His podcast and full expose' of his transgression, his demon and redemption, is inspirational and powerful. I hope for him the best, as well as his ex-wife, in all of his endeavors. The lesson I took away from this is that we must actively seek out those things in our heads and hearts that pull us down and try to break our spirit, our demons and delusions. We must shine a light on them and deal with them. Seek help from life-coaches, therapists, support groups, psychologists, etc. Read self-help book or seek the gurus. I recommend Aubrey Marcus' "Go for Your Win" course. It helped me tremendously, and as I have said in posts past. The course is not something brand-new, Aubrey just packages and presents in a way I can understand and mentally digest.
Thank you for reading. This was not a difficult post to write, because I truly believe no one will ever read it. However, if you are here, you have read the whole thing and know much more about my life that most. I appreciate your attention.
DocBDC
