Not Part of My Tribe!

Recently my family is undergoing a rather stressful time. My youngest daughter is being evaluated for autism. For those who have met her, I get many questions and disbelief, "but she makes eye contact", "but see smiles and engages", "but she seems so normal". Yes she does, and is, but she has traits that are up to, but not beyond, an 18 month old (she's almost 3). She advances in skills, then regresses almost equally when she is under stress. She is almost 3 years old and cannot speak, she mostly babbles, nor does she engage with other children. She screams, growls and is beginning to flap her hands when frustrated. We put her in daycare for almost 6 weeks, after that time my daughter spoke to her mother, the teacher remarked, "I've never heard her speak, I thought she might be mute." After some gentle interrogation, my wife discovered that our daughter never sat with the other children, but played alone with very specific dolls. Other children would come up to her and engage, my daughter would "parallel play" with them, but when they would leave, she would stay. The teacher also remarked on how well behaved my daughter was, never complained, always did as instructed, always so compliant... this is not the report I want about my 2 year old. They are suppose to be defiant, it's part of their developmental process. Missing it may indicate their brains are not developing as they should. A Google quick search yielded this definition of autism:

• a mental condition, present from early childhood, characterized by difficulty in communicating and forming relationships with other people and in using language and abstract concepts. - A quick Google Search (*a more complete definition, including DSM V, can be found below*)

I explained to a person (names, gender and situations are changed to maintain privacy, but you know who you are...) that I may be a high function autistic who has devised and implemented unconscious "strategies" to "normalize" my behaviors and reactions (basically, I appear and seem "normal," but it's more complicated than that). However, due to the "strategies" implemented it is considered currently impossible to test for autism in adults. Further, my mother, who's worked in the field of psychology as an L.P.C. (boots on the ground type) for decades and has taken leadership roles at the state and local levels, indicated that she agrees. Looking back, she sees that, had I been evaluated, I probably would have been diagnosed as a "very high functioning autistic., Asperger-ish". The response I got from said-person was, "YOU ARE NOT AUTISTIC," "your mother is just wrong, just wrong." Needless to say, I became... angry enough to feel my blood pressure rise and to feel the tingle of adrenaline and blood flow just under my skin. I kept my cool, even their friend in the room did not notice the momentary change in my demeanor. I was verbally uppercut to the gut. Throughout the day, I was able to process my feelings on what was said and why I reacted with such verve. Here is what I came up with so far:

1. I am a mama's-boy, nobody criticizes my mama without a me getting angry
2. This person does not know my mother, her achievements, or her education & experience, nor was this person there when my mom and I had the conversation
3. This person did not know me as a child. The only time when autism can be diagnosed.
4. This person has an autistic son. I then assume the son's "function" may not be high. My guess is that I did not meet their criteria for their experience of autism. The person's son may be one who is difficult on good days, impossible on bad days, and a blessing on the best of days.
5. The person could have used the "I" approach, "I don't agree," " I don't see it", etc. Instead, they decided to attack, "You are not...", "Your mother is just wrong...". The person could have been more diplomatic with such a potentially sensitive topic, instead they went with being a JERK.
1. I have my own theories as to this persons mental diagnosis, but I will leave it up to your imagination

Ultimately, I come to the point, and the title of this longer-than-expected post...
Anyone else getting the sense that I am using my blog just to bitch about life. Sorry about that. It's been a difficult few months...
This person fell smack-dab into a trap that I see happen everywhere, in every walk-of-life, in every corner big or small. The notion that "you do not fit into my tribe." I mention that I might be super high-functioning autistic, "mildly" autistic would be apt, and this person reflexively attacks. I'm not saying they knowingly attacked, but that is what happens when you use the "You" method of counter-argument. They demonstrated, quite literally, the reflexive nature of inclusion and exclusion (Tribes). "You do not resemble what I know this thing to be, therefore you ARE NOT this thing," i.e. In their mind they could not see the resemblance between their son and I, therefore I must not potentially have the same diagnosis as their son. If there is one thing I would like them to know it is that they are an expert in the diagnosis of their son, but ONLY in their son. They have no business, or say, in the potential, or actual, diagnosis of anyone else... Even if, especially if, the diagnosis is the same. They have no right to get "judge-ie" just because their experience is more difficult.

Hence the tribe mentality. On the one hand, tribes are good. They help us to find those in which we share any or all things in common. They create meaningful and long-lasting bonds, potentially. They increase survival quotients, in our first-world society, tribes help increase our "thrivability quotient". On the other hand, tribes exclude those that are deemed as different. Tribe mentality is great when the population of an area is low and survival is a problem, but when you live in a country of wealth, then tribes begin to get picky. Sometimes this keeps the heard culled, but others it just hurts people.

Thank you for reading,

DocBDC

--------------------
Here is the fuller definition of autism. Upon scrutiny, I did fit, and still do to a lesser extend, every single one of the DSM V criteria. Not in the disabled way, like I have to imagine the son, but in the cognitive difference akin to certain types of savantism. I've highlighted what trait I possess...

*Autism defined: 

• a mental condition, present from early childhood, characterized by difficulty in communicating and forming relationships with other people and in using language and abstract concepts. - Google Search
• a range of conditions characterized by challenges with social skills, repetitive behaviors, speech and nonverbal communication, as well as by unique strengths and differences. We now know that there is not one autism but many types, caused by different combinations of genetic and environmental influences. -Autism Speaks
• DSM V
• Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive, see text)
• Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text)
• Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life)
• Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning
•  These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make co-morbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level
• With or without accompanying intellectual impairment
  With or without accompanying language impairment
  Associated with a known medical or genetic condition or environmental factor
  (Coding note: Use additional code to identify the associated medical or genetic condition.)
  Associated with another neurodevelopmental, mental, or behavioral disorder
  (Coding note: Use additional code[s] to identify the associated neurodevelopmental, mental, or behavioral disorder[s].)
  With catatonia (refer to the criteria for catatonia associated with another mental disorder, pp. 119-120, for definition) (Coding note: Use additional code 293.89 [F06.1] catatonia associated with autism spectrum disorder to indicate the presence of the comorbid catatonia.)

Social (pragmatic) Communication Disorder

• Difficulty understanding and following such social-communication “rules.” ... 
• Clearly, many individuals with autism share these difficulties. 
• To receive a diagnosis of ASD under DSM-5, one must also have the repetitive behaviors and/or restricted interests typical of autism

Like SCD, autism involves difficulty with social communication skills. But autism has the additional defining characteristic of restricted and/or repetitive behaviors. So an evaluation must rule out autism before reaching a diagnosis of SCD